More than numbers

I was really proud to see my cousin embarking on a journey toward better health, and for being brave enough to write about it for others http://bigboyrunning.tumblr.com/
As I read his prologue I was moved to tears. For the last several weeks I have been dealing with my own issues concerning my health,appearance,and weight (in THAT order mind you). I have been surprised and a bit scared at how deeply these issues run emotionally for me. I have also been angered as I've tried to educate myself and as my super fit personal trainer husband has tried to educate me. I am angry because all we ever hear about is "By this, drop pounds" and NOW I'm learning that "dropping pounds" is probably the MOST irrelevant indicator as to whether or not you are truly healthy. I'm also angry at the fact that somewhere between childhood and adulthood I got brain washed into equating my appearance with my health as a woman. I am also angry because somewhere along my journey of being a wife, mommy and homeschooler I've developed some pretty disturbing food addictions. I can not say I am on a diet, because "diet" doesn't even translate into what I'm trying to accomplish here physically and emotionally. The place I'm wanting to go can not be measured with a scale. Having four children in five and half years has almost obliterated me. The path of least resistance is to fade out, put forth only the effort it takes to be what others need me to be. For a woman to be what she needs to be for herself AS WELL as what her family needs her to be takes sheer force of will. You must fight like hell to hold on to yourself.. And though I had lost sight of it for a while, I'm starting to see a glimmer of hope that there can be a re-emergence for me. That does not mean neglecting the responsibilities I have taken on as wife, mommy and homeschooler, that also does not mean neglecting my responsibilities to myself. It means coming forth as something stronger, someone stronger. Someone willing to make the effort to expand myself, to expand my love to such an extent that it not only encircles my husband and children but it will encircle me as well.