I'm Not Dead

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. During our summer break I let mine and Rick's financial aid lapse, so I've been scrambling to get all my duckies in a row before classes start back Sept 29th. In the meantime, Brandon the "super blogger" has been putting me to shame over here, so I'm posting something I wrote a while back. Brandon actually is the one who got me thinking about this in the first place. Not long ago he commented, "bosses, criminals, and ornery citizens are often MUCH easier to deal with than little boys. They're also much less intimidating to me!" Though we often joke around about our kids, we would all do well to be a little more "intimidated' by them. I don't mean letting our kids boss us around or dictate. I mean that we should be intimidated by their potential. I admit, my expertise on the criminal mind is limited (that's Brandon's area) but here's a fact: every one of them started out a sweet little baby. Usually we speak of potential as a positive thing, but it goes either way. Our kids have just as much potential to be a bane to society as a blessing. We can debate "nature" vs "nurture" all day (in fact I wouldn't mind that at all if you have an opinion on all of this). I'm fascinated by the question of where did these people go wrong? You start out a baby, you die a violent criminal. Any way, this was the basis of my psychology research paper back in March and I'm posting part of it here, because I'm thinking about all of this, and between starting back to school and ruining the Olympics for Aunt Choie and Uncle Jonathan, I've just been way too busy to write something fresh. I would also challenge any parent (or anyone who has to interact with children at all for that matter) who has the guts, to read "A Secure Base" by John Bowlby and "Home By Choice" by Dr. Brenda Hunter. You'll never look at your little snotty nosed kids the same. I've deleted my intext references for easier reading but the two books I've mentioned were my main refrences.


Attachment Theory: A Brief History and Meaning


Attachment Theory is a psychological theory that helps us understand why humans interact with other humans in the ways they do. Attachment is the underlying framework for all of our relationships from birth until death. Attachment Theory as a psychological concept was originated by John Bowlby. Bowlby was born in 1907 and conducted his most important research on attachment and child-mother interactions at the Tavistock Center in England. Bowlby defined attachment as , “ any form of behavior that results in a person attaining or maintaining proximity to some other clearly identified individual who is conceived as better able to cope with the world” (Bowlby,1988). The individual, known as the attachment figure, becomes of utmost importance, bordering on obsession. This is most clearly seen during times of distress, pain, or other discomfort. Though viewed as a psychological theory, Bowlby was always careful to assert that Attachment Theory had strong ethological and biological roots. Attachment behavior was considered by Bowlby to be a survival mechanism driven much in the same way our sexual and eating behavior is driven.
Though originated by Bowlby, Attachment Theory was also greatly supported by the work of Mary Ainsworth who devised the research model “The Strange Situation” to observe and classify types and levels of an infant’s attachment to his caregiver. Attachment styles or patterns are broken down into four categories: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Secure attachment is manifested in the child wanting their caregiver upon reunion and being easily comforted if upset. These children are secure in the thought that their needs will always be met by their caregiver. Anxious attachment is manifested by a child being difficult to comfort and abnormally possessive of their caregiver. They do not trust that their needs will be met every time. Avoidant attachment manifests itself in children that have been neglected or abused. These children simply avoid the caregiver as a means of protecting themselves either physically or emotionally. Disorganized attachment is usually only seen in children that have been severely neglected and abused. This type of attachment does not manifest itself in any set way. The child’s reaction to everything is disorganized and frightened. Because attachment cycles are set in motion from the time of birth, parenting has the utmost influence on how each child’s working models will develop. Many parents are often the products of the parenting they received, whether good or bad. As in other aspects of attachment theory, parenting can be approached from an ethological view point. Much of parenting is pre-programmed, but as Bowlby asserted, “ the detailed form that the behavior takes in each of us turns on our experiences- experiences during childhood, experiences during adolescence, experiences before, and during marriage and experiences with each individual child”. Even difficult or negative early experiences can be overcome in a parent facing the challenge of providing their own children with a positive working model of attachment. Most importantly a parent must make themselves available to the child, both physically and emotionally. Insecure attachments occur, “when a parent is emotionally unavailable or rejecting,”. Bowlby was convinced that a lack of emotional availability to children could in large part be the product of common societal frameworks. “Man and woman power devoted to the production of material goods counts as a plus in all our economic indices. Man and woman power devoted to the production of happy, healthy and self-reliant children in their own homes does not count at all”. Being emotionally available to a child requires sensitive and responsive parenting which is based on, “a capacity to reflect on and understand the infant’s mental world”.
Another influence on the development of healthy attachments in children is parenting styles. There are four types of parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, indifferent and authoritative. Authoritarian parents set firm rules and restrictions but are emotionally distant from their children. Permissive parents try to be emotionally involved with their children but find it difficult to set rules and standards. Indifferent parents provide only the physical necessities for their children but invest nothing emotionally into their development. Authoritative parents are warm and loving while also providing the child with high standards and definite guidelines. Authoritative parenting is the most conducive to secure attachments. These types of parents find it easy to be sensitive to their children. This is especially important between mothers and young infants.
Maternal sensitivity is crucial to a child’s foundations of trust which are paramount to secure attachments. Some mothers who experience difficulties with sensitivity toward the needs of their children have blamed such problems on the child’s being difficult to manage or parent. However, in one study published in the Merril-Palmer Quarterly it was theorized that, “insensitive mothers may behave in ways that make their children exhibit characteristics of difficult temperament such as frequent crying. In fact there is some empirical evidence linking maternal behavior to changes in a child’s emotionality”. Attachment is an interactive process involving both the caregiver and the child operating on many levels of emotional communication in mostly non-verbal ways such as eye contact, body movements, touch and tone of voice. When healthy attachments are not formed in early life an individual may develop an attachment disorder. Any form of insecure attachment (avoidant, anxious or disorganized) is considered an attachment disorder. Some symptoms would include low self-esteem, obsessions with food, lack of self control, inability to develop and maintain friendships, learning disabilities and behavioral problem. The most severe of insecure attachments is Reactive Attachment Disorder also known as RAD. Children with RAD are so, “neurologically disrupted that they cannot attach to a primary caregiver or go through normal developmental processes. This type of disorder is often seen in children that have been grossly neglected as in many cases of children adopted from overseas where they have spent their lives sub-standard orphanages. RAD is caused by events in a child’s life usually before age two when the cycle of attachment is broken. The cycle of attachment begins when a baby has a need. The baby cries to signal that need. If a caregiver is sensitive and responsive they will meet the infant’s need and trust begins to build. The infant begins to expect that his needs will be met. This is the very beginning of attachment. When this cycle is disrupted, when the caregiver does not meet the need, or worse harms the child for signaling the need, trust does not develop and healthy attachments do not develop. RAD is very challenging for parents because, “children with RAD have no interest in pleasing their parents- they do not reward parents with the cues of pleasure, appreciation and affection that motivate parental investment in children”. Attachment Disorder Therapy, however, has helped many families to deal with RAD. Therapist first tries to focus on the parents and their parenting style. Parents are encouraged to establish sensitivity toward the child. Often the parents must confront many of their own emotional issues before they can help their children. “Attachment is akin to falling in love, but unless both adult and child feel completely safe, it will not be successful. When adults are anxious, mad, tuned out or overwhelmed, they will not be able to make an attuned connection with a child”. Parents must also be mindful of what an individual child will find soothing. “There is no ‘one size fits all’ for every child. In determining what constitutes ‘just right’ communication for a particular child,” it is, ‘up to the adult to follow the non-verbal cue of that child. What soothes a parent may not soothe an infant. Thus parents may have to explore the best techniques for soothing their child and themselves in order to make a connection with the child”. A key element in treat RAD is for caregiver and to learn how to share emotional experiences with the child. The key to this is, “to feel the experience to some degree in your own body". Many parents are good at sharing positive experiences with their children but tune out leave when their child is trying to deal with negative experiences. It is very important to fully share all emotional experiences with your child so that the child will feel they can trust the caregiver. There is of course intense focus on the child. A therapist must foremost emphasize the emotions that are underlying the problems. The emotions that are evoked through a broken attachment cycle are feelings of fear, sadness and anger. This is difficult because children suffering from RAD often deny their emotions. This has been their survival techniques for years. There is also a tendency to try and avoid the emotions or disassociate themselves from the emotions. Once a therapist can help a patient pinpoint what emotions are present then they can begin the very difficult task of confronting the emotions. This is difficult because a therapist must take charge of the therapy sessions and insist that the patient deal directly with the past. The patient has to be made aware that there will be no improvement unless they can confront and resolve their painful issues.
In closing it would seem very simple to avoid such a lifetime of pain and emotional problems. All a child needs is sensitive, response to their needs, from an involved caregiver. Unfortunately when a parent themselves cannot form secure attachments, enabling them to meet the needs of the child, an emotionally disastrous cycle is put into play that may take years of therapy to correct. Bowlby’s work on attachment theory and research today are helping people to understand how to heal themselves and spare future generations the pains of insecure attachments.